I'm not sure how I feel about this noticeably aging thing I've got going. I'm not talking about sagging skin or even extended maturity. I'm still a little kid with traces of woman, but there are some things that mark a person as definitely older. It begins when you are much, much younger and you realize you would do ANYTHING for naptime. I heard a comedian discuss that once. Ridiculously true. The last few developments have happened rather recently in my life. Katie and I have had a few laughs over the things that make us happy these days like flatware, amazing luggage, and Egyptian cotton sheets. My friend R.K. and I ran onto a rollercoaster expecting the natural high, but was disappointed to discover that rollercoasters now make me nauseated. I don't know how that happened, but I'm more drawn to the shows and caricatures than I am the thrill rides. How can that be? When the fuck did this happen to me? What happened to sprinting off a ride into the next line to be flipped upside down and think it feels great? I don't know, this topic is one that I really enjoy, and I would like to go into it more, but I'm beginning with the tangent before I get to my point.

Much like the rollercoaster, I used to like the emotional ride of scary movies. Just as I cannot remember how you could ride a rollercoaster without getting sick, I cannot remember why on earth I ever wanted to spend two hours feeling horrified only to spend the rest of the night with twisted, terrified images in my head so that I can no longer close my eyes while I wash my face in fear that some psychopath or haunting ghost will be standing behind me when I lean up and face the mirror. I used to think being scared was funny and exciting. Now, I just get…scared. That's not fun. I saw The Ring. I can't get that damn little girl out of my head, and she absolutely needs to go. That damn hair is haunting me and it's made me way too uncomfortable to be able to relax. I finished Goblet of Fire, and for those of you who have read it, the ending leaves you needing Rowling to get off her fucking ass and write the goddamn fifth book.

So, back to the cure of all evils: Sex and the City. I'm watching the whole first season on my new DVD player (thank you very much…I knew I'd catch up with the rest of the world), and I'm finally understanding this Mr. Big relationship. I guess I never really watched the whole first season before, so I didn't know WHY she felt so hung up on this asshole. I had a group of friends who were discussing this Aidan vs Mr. Big thing, and I believe it was Michelle who said she completely understood this spell she was under when it came to Mr. Big. Yeah, I have to say that I can see it too. It's so sad, painful, and alluring. I think they did an amazing job with this relationship. Her struggle is so clear. She is constantly at the point of almost having him that she can't give up. She doesn't know why she "can't get in," as she puts it. She's just always outside. She knows how it looks inside from peering in his windows, but she just cannot get in. Is he just not letting her? Is it him? Is it her? She doesn't understand it. She loves him, and I think his inability to give her exactly what she needs gives the relationship a slice of tragedy, which intrigues her, and kills her. Mr. Big becomes everything in the universe. He comes to represent life and death. He is both that which hurts her and the only thing that can heal her. She comes to need him. If she lets go, she knows she'll survive and his power over her will eventually be gone, but she knows that it'll take time, and that the time it takes will be torturous.

So many people give themselves these small dosages of pain because they're so afraid of what happens if they quit it. Relationships become heroine. People would rather be addicted and go crazy than detoxify. Letting go is the worst part, even if it's the best thing that ever happened to you. I have a friend going through that now, two friends, in fact. It's not easy to let go. You want so badly for things to be like you want them to be, what you might have thought they were at one point…what they might have actually been at one point, but they're not anymore. You hope for it so hard that you convince yourself that if you stick around, you might get to see that person change, and if he changes, you'll still be there to be with him. My friends know all these things logically, but it's a different situation when your heart is involved. I know so many people who have gone through this, and somehow one can only see it clearly when it's anyone other than themselves.

We know what we want and what we deserve, but if you get tired of waiting, you just take what you can and ignore each and every time you discover they're not at all what you need.

Do I believe that the right person will eventually come around? I'm starting to lose my belief in fate, my belief that things just work out. I do think it's possible to meet the right man or woman at the wrong time. I don't know if I believe that there's one person for everybody. I believe that a lot of factors are working here. I think it's about meeting someone who has the qualities you need. However, I think it's also about finding that person at a time in their lives when they want what you want in a relationship, when they're ready to be in a relationship, when they have time to work on it. I think relationships take a lot of work. None of this "if it's meant to be, it'll all work out" bullshit. IT doesn't work out, YOU work it out, you and whoever you are with. There may be other fish in the sea, but I don't believe there are plenty. If you're looking for nothing but someone who is of the gender of which you are attracted, then there are plenty. When you're looking for someone who is perfect for you, someone who makes you love yourself, not even just him or her, someone who makes you happy even half as much as you want to make them - then you HOLD ON, and do whatever you can to keep them…for as long as they want to be kept. Also, remember that they should be working just as hard or something is not right. I believe it is possible to meet someone who really is perfect but is a few years off of where you are as far as relationship-demands.

I think it's important to know how much has to fall in place to be in a good relationship. It's a lot, and it good to know that because when you find it, you understand how lucky you are, how selfless you need to learn to be, how much pride you need to let go of because petty arguments are not worth losing what's important to you.

I think when you find someone amazing who makes you happy, it's hard not to cry about how good life is being to you. It feels terrible and wrong to be upset because the rest of your life isn't perfect. It comes down to love, and one should never take that for granted.