I was watching Joe Vs. the Volcano, and though early on in the movie he begins to live like a king, I found it near impossible to get over the first part. In fact, I think it did something to me where I cannot erase that dreariness from the back of my thoughts. It was so incredibly dismal. His life was a city cloaked in smog, a basement trap constantly polluted with the sound of fluorescent buzzing. “Joe” described that lighting as sucking the life from his soul through his eyes. I felt so trapped and miserable watching this scene. For this, I must give credit to the director who managed to affect his viewers this way. However, there is more to it than that. This dark existence is not unrealistic, and I live in fear that it is my future. Years and years wasted for a nightmare disguised as stability and practicality. I don’t imagine that I’ll ever have this job or any job where I’ll feel so…dead, but watching my friends take this leap out of college a year before I do forces me to accept a few realities that each of us attempted to avoid. You do what you got to do to get by. Jim is not exactly in the job of his dreams. He’s not miserable. There are young people around him. He works on 5th ave. He has a kick ass cafeteria at work. His life is not bad, but you have to wonder if he is on the right path. To be honest, I think he is. I don’t think he’s having any real troubles, and I think being a salesman would be perfect for him. Working at Saks and doing really well is definitely a good step in the right direction. Erin is doing fine. Dave isn’t miserable either, but he’s doing what he can.

I don’t really enjoy working at the Avalon. I’m not a bartender. Now, I met a lot of important people last night that I would not have met if I wasn’t bartending, so go figure. Don’t question fate. What will become of me? I still have no clue. I’m scared though. I can’t hide next semester under my title of student. I have to keep working. I’m “taking classes” not “going to school.”

I’m tired.

Again, no focus, no productiveness, no nothing really. I did a LOT of cardio work, and I ate well. Smoked too much, but I can’t be perfect. My skin sucks. I don’t know why.

I’m glad that I’m tired. Maybe I’ll go to sleep early being that I have such a long day tomorrow.

I’ve been a strange sort of sad these past few days.

I just talked to my friend, Brett. He asked, “Why do you want to be friends with these people so badly?” (meaning the RW11 cast). I explained quite honestly that I needed to know these kids a little bit because it helps with my replacement anxiety. They’re either my replacement or they are the newest members of my family. I’m frustrated with myself for not being more nonchalant about all this shit, but I can’t help it. God, WHAT is the big deal? Why can’t I feel normal? Why can’t I just relax? Why do I feel like these unimportant things are so fucking important? Why do I feel so upset?

Is it even replacement anxiety or is there is something else? Things have felt strange for the past few days. I’m trying to remember exactly when this happened, this change in me. I’m out of place, yet again. I don’t even want to think about how fucking weird next semester is going to feel.

I may have figured out what’s wrong. When you dive too deeply, you only crash into an empty bottom. If you clean your ears too much, you’ve removed the protective layer of wax and now have itchy, raw ear canals. If you scrape and scrape away, you’ll end up with nothing left. I think I’ve been analyzing myself too much. I’ve been trying to turn my subconscious inside out, and I think I’m left with absolutely nothing inside. I think I’ve actually reached a point in my life where there is no more reflecting, no more soul searching to be done for the time-being. I need to start building because there’s nothing left to be broken down. It’s a new era, and I didn’t even see it coming. I am a new person, well…more like the beginning of one. I’m a fresh pallet, and I’ve done what I could with what I had, but now it’s time to be something more, something new. I have to finish up school and work towards the future. It’s time to love more people, make new friends, have new responsibilities. I need to let go of everything behind me and start actually looking ahead. If I haven’t been looking back, than I’ve been looking no where. I need to start DOING something with myself. I need to start HAVING a life, MAKING a life rather than just fucking TALKING about it. I need to conquer each day. It’s time to make up stories. It’s time for original thought. STOP DWELLING, FOR CHRISTSSAKE!! Move the fuck on, already. What the fuck else can I say about this same old shit? NOTHING, so SHUT UP.

I have new classes coming up. These are my LAST CLASSES, so would you fucking learn something from them, please? I have this dumb, easy job. I have a few more jobs coming up. I fucking sing, so I need to start singing. Try everything, do it all. Make some goddamn calls. I am a new person and there is nothing holding me back. New life.