I don't want to make a habit of talking about people who post on my boards, but something happened today that I want to discuss because it fascinated me as a concept. Let me give you a little background on what I'm talking about first. This guy under the member name "VoiceofReason" posted on my site an in-depth opinion of me. My initial response was heated, but then I relaxed when I realized a few things. Firstly, all that he said was untrue. I mean, yes, I'm insecure, and yes I like attention, but these are things you all already know about me and with what I have come to terms. Loving the limelight, wanting to be heard, and having sporatic moments of severe self-doubt is tiny details to all that is me, so I'm fine with that. All the other things he mentioned such as my mother being ashamed and my wanting to control the minds of children around me are so ludicrous that I hope some of you readers out there laughed as hard as I did or where would the fun be? When it occurred to me that his post was a tissue of lies, I realized it was just like I was reading any other fictional story, so what is the point in being upset. So, I wasn't. I mean, don't you all think it's a little weird that he's so worried about my family? My family is fine and we all loved the show. My mom was so upset when it was over. Isn't it strange that he's discussing my family's integrity? I mean, my uncle is a Catholic priest, and he doesn't even care that I kissed Jisela because I'm a 22 year old kid who got drunk and did shit. Who cares? It was a liberating feeling, but one thing did occur to me, which is what I would like to discuss.

I'm concerned of what possesses a person to be mean and hurtful to someone who has done nothing hurtful to him in the first place. Now, this isn't even just about this post, I'm speaking generally. This poster is just a symbol now for this concept, but let's continue with using him as an example just because it's fun. Now, why was VoiceofReason so upset? I mean, his thoughts weren't in passing. He found my website (obviously after either looking for it specifically or stumbling upon it in some other Real World related website, which is curious to me since he speaks like he is so above the whole thing), and he took maybe 20 minutes to write an elaborate (what he would consider to be) psychoanalysis of me. A letter furnished with insults, draped in cynicism. A virtual museum of pretentious articulation.

So, I attempted empathy. "When have I been so bothered with someone that I went out of my way to tell them that I didn't like how they lived their life?" I asked myself. This is interesting to me. I have definitely not liked people in my life, and I've definitely looked at people on my television screen and disagreed with their choices, but when have I been so upset about this person who has nothing to do with me to the extent that I found a way to contact them to let them know that I am embarrassed by them even though that person doesn't know me and probably wouldn't care if I'm embarrassed? After rummaging through my memories, I came up empty-handed. I've never cared that much about a perfect stranger that I took time to make sure they knew I existed so that I could tell them how I felt about them. Suddenly, I felt a weight lift. I am self-secure. I don't tell someone else how they should feel about themselves out the clear blue sky because I care about my life and my loved ones lives.

Let me explain: we'll follow the steps through our own examples. I'll refer back to an old entry. I get mad at Britney Spears a lot. When the slave video came out, I called my friend and said she was taking slut to a new level. Hold on, Britney fans, keep reading. The truth? I fucking love Britney Spears, and I was so burned with jealousy because that video and that song fucking rocks and I wanted to have it. Realistically, I don't want to be Britney Spears because only a very specific type of person can pull off worldwide worship like that. I can't handle that. However, I love the illusion she gives to us that her life is simple and fun. She does have fun, but it's the hardest work, and she makes it look easy. That's awesome. I've looked EVERYWHERE for those clothes in that video because I want them. They were hot. My point, I only insult her when I'm jealous of her. I admit that without a problem. Her life seems cooler than mine, so I make myself feel better by saying she sucks sometimes when I know she doesn't. (Note: I don't ever write her letters to tell her I'm embarrassed for her.)

So, let's refer back to our new best friend Voice. He is jealous. No, he doesn't want to be me. No, he doesn't want my life. However, he passionately describes that he does not like that I create a website for fans to get to know me. He thinks it's pathetic. I'm sure he typed furiously. Now, no one can argue that he doesn't care what I think or that it wasn't a big deal because like I said, his thoughts were not in passing. He put in time to talk about his feelings, and they WERE in-depth. Don't tell me he wasn't desperate for attention from you other readers and from me because not ONLY did he write that letter, he copied and pasted it into another section of the message board to make sure more people would read it. Don't you all find that hysterical? Why does he care so much? Why is he so bothered?

My friend Katie is the most secure person I've ever met in my life. I'm not kidding, I'm not exaggerating. I could not name one person on this planet that is more confident than her. NOT COCKY, just confident. You can't hurt her because she only cares about the opinions of the people she loves. She's a role model to me in that sense and I strive to be more like her everyday. When someone doesn't like her, which is probably quite a few people only because insecure people hate confident people that they don't know, she doesn't care. She doesn't even pay attention to it at all. If you even tried to tell her, she'd roll her eyes, wave her hand, and say, "Whatever, I don't care," and she means it. That's rare. Most people fake that shit, but she isn't. Anyway, I've never heard Katie complain about the way anyone ran their lives who wasn't one of her best friends. I've never even heard her bitch about characters on TV and the way they run their lives. Why? Because why should she care? She worries about her own life and the people she loves. She doesn't make space and use energy on people who are of no concern to her.

Voice does, which leads me to simply imagine him as he's watching the show or looking at my site. Let's say, for arguments sake, that I had cold intentions. What if I made this site not to share my thoughts and give my fans a piece of who I really am since that is what they asked for, but to have a place where people can talk about me. What if I did it because I'm so insecure that, as Voice suggests, I am sick and need medication? Yeah, okay, what if? Then what? Nothing. If Voice were right, which he is not, then who cares? Does he turn off the computer with a sense of satisfaction that he put someone in her place? Well then what? I can't imagine this is an isolated circumstance. I can't imagine that I'm the only person in the whole world he decided to have an opinion on that he needed to address. If he's done with me, where does he go from here? The world wide web is a big place, and there are a LOT of personal websites he needs to write about.

And what's up with Voice, and a few others out there who keep wanting to remind me that my 15 minutes of fame are up and that I'm pissed about that? Have you guys been reading any of these? Did I sound happier when this shit was airing versus now? Since this New Year has begun, I feel like a million bucks. I've never felt this good about myself or this strong ever, and I think you can even tell that by the context of my journals. It was a bittersweet feeling when the show stopped airing, but the bitter fades and I can taste nothing but sweetness.

I think there's a lesson here for everyone, including myself. People, there are going to be assholes out there in the world who want not nothing but to add company to their misery. You can be as nice as you want, you can have intentions of gold, but you can't get rid of the assholes. My grandfather used to always say, "Every time you walk out that door, some son-of-a-bitch is shooting at you." It's true. No matter what you do in life, someone will disagree with you. No matter how you succeed, someone will be jealous enough to use whatever power they've got to bring you back to where they are. I don't mean to be cynical, people. I'm being realistic. This is important to know because you need to figure out how you're going to deal with these assholes when they come up shooting, because they will. You need to remember who you are. If you are happy with yourself, and if you know what is important to you and who is important, then no one out there can get to you.

Sure, it'll hurt when people want you to be hurt. It's a terrible thing that there are people out there who want others to feel bad. It's a terrible thing that I've done nothing to try to hurt this guy, but he went out of his way to say hurtful things to me. It's the principle that is horrific, not the specific incidence, and this is one of the unexpected lessons I learned from being on the opposite side of TV screen. People who want attention cannot even stomach the people who want attention just as much but actually get it. In their eyes, it's not fair. That's what I did to Britney, that's what Voice did to me. But Voice was frustrated enough at his lack of attention that he had to do something about it. Classic case of closet-insecurity. At least I know that I'm insecure sometimes. I wouldn't dare tell someone how insecure they are when I know I can be too. That's what a hypocrite does, and I try to avoid that. However, let's give Voice a round of applause because he indirectly achieved his goal: to get attention. This entry is proof that the attention is received. Do you all think that'll be enough for him or do you think he'll be hungry for more? We should lay down bets to see if he posts again with some eloquent novel of how I have only made a bigger fool of myself and how much he doesn't NEED this attention at all. I have rent coming up in a few days and I could use the cash.

Anyway, there's nothing I can say that will fix this inevitable reality of mankind, but hopefully, it'll make you think. That's usually the only intent I have.