I’m not sure what I’ve done to myself. I’ve always been a really private person. It didn’t seem that way to a lot of people. Most people think I’m a true extrovert because of how enthusiastic and social I am at parties. Sure, I love a good party and cheap small talk, but that’s only once every few months that I come out of my hidden chamber to join the living and the frivolous. In general, I have taken comfort in my small, secret life. It is fun to be in a bar when no one knows who you are. I always liked how easy it was to walk through campus without distractions. I felt that I was mysterious because I was simply unknown and unrecognizable. “Popularity” was always an illusion to me, and I enjoyed witnessing it from outside the superficial bubbles that celebrated the pretty and wealthy. I’ve always had one thing going for me, and that was ambiguity.

I loved crowded places. I loved cheesy, crowded places. I loved coffee shops in particular. Few of my friends understand why I go to Sweet Dreams as often as I do. I go to people watch. There is something delightful about watching high school dramas, about pretending to be invisible, about eavesdropping for shits and giggles. It became so normal to me to be unrecognized. I never thought that fame was really all that wonderful.

Why have I given all that up? I’m not sure. There was an opportunity. I took it. So here I am, counting down too quickly for the ball to drop, the bomb to go off where all that was once normal and comforting will be gone for years to come. This is terrifying, and I’m not sure what the hell I’m going to do to keep my head screwed on as tightly as I need it to be.

There’s one thing for sure, I can’t be checking websites anymore. I absolutely cannot do it. I’m about to be torn apart by the millions of viewers in dire need for a scapegoat, and a silly pretty drama queen such as myself is just what they need to vent their frustrations.

There are things I need to remember. People will NOT be hating me because they will not KNOW me. They know parts of me which indeed look silly and stupid and hateable without actually knowing the whole me, seeing the whole picture. Why I am the way I am makes little sense unless you’ve seen every color I have to show, not just the select that will be displayed. Just as soap opera villains are often hated because of their characters, I will be hated because of the “character” the editors have made me be. Granted, it’s based on things I did and said on my own accord, but that’s not the whole picture, and I know it. My Kevin situation is pathetic, I know. It’s funny and cooky when you know the way I am. Thing is, I won’t be hearing all these horrible critiques really if I just steer clear of looking for them.

I hate that I talked about my singing. I hate that that is my theme. I don’t like talking about my singing. It’s all a very private thing to me. It’s the one thing that is truly my own and I offered it up to the world to have, to belittle as they please. People will be free to belittle more than just that. They will belittle my own words that speak of this passion. I have made myself vulnerable, and I don’t think it was fair to myself.

Famous singer? Does that mean I have to go on tour and do all that shit? Can I still get shitfaced with friends. It’s funny, there are two sides of me. There is this side of me that likes to hide from the world, there is a side of me that needs the limelight. I have no more options. All I have is the limelight.

No more websites for me. I need my sanity.Today is a bad day.

I’m feeling very separate from everything I knew well, everything that was at least somewhat familiar. Tomorrow might be much harder than I originally anticipated. I am going to see what was once my home for four months and is now a broken down set barely little resemblance to what it was. I won’t recognize the spots where I laughed so hard and cried so silently. For some reason, those memories of the past few months are so vivid today that I can feel it. I’m almost expecting to return home to it.

Okay, now I’m freaking out about something new. I don’t know what to do with myself as far as this whole singing thing goes. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right. I don’t know if I’m committing myself to something. I don’t know what the etiquette is or how to handle this. Should I jump the gun and continue on here, should I wait out until the show airs to see what opportunities come along? Am I fucking up? I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know who to go to for help or advice!

I’m scared to be a hypocrite. I’m afraid that I’m about to make music that is someone else’s, that isn’t true art, that doesn’t speak to people on a mature level. I’m a mess. I’m so unsettled. Nothing is going well at all, and I hate talking about it. I really do.