Why?

After filming stopped in the house, we had a week of talking to magazines and newspapers about our experience as the tenth cast for The Real World. We were bombarded with questions all of a similar nature, and I don’t think any of us were totally prepared to deliver articulate, succinct, and intellectual “sound bites” for the media. The word “media” is scary enough. I know I’ve loved and craved it my whole life so I could find out more about my favorite faces behind my screens, but I also heard how critical and harsh the media could be.

The obvious questions included, “Did you all get along?” “Were there any big fights or romances?” One question in particular that seemed simple enough to ask but nearly impossible at the time to answer was, “Why did you want to do this?” I could honestly beat the shit out of myself for the verbose bullshit I fed into their memo pads, but I think the serious self mutilation would come from the fact that I truly believed the crap I was saying at the time. I spewed out something about the opportunity for self-exploration, and my history with the field of psychology. Okay, to defend myself for just a moment: I DO have a history with the field of psychology. I have studied it my whole life. I AM an avid journal keeper, and I AM indeed fascinated with the exploration of the “self.” However, these truths have little, if maybe NOTHING to do with why I wanted to do the Real World.

According to Melissa (RW9), people audition for the Real World because they want to be famous. No exceptions. I read that on her website and was immediately intrigued with this blatant and seemingly obvious concept. However, I chose to phrase this idea a little differently. I would say that 35,000 people get out their camcorders, buy a blank tape, make a tape, get the address and send it in to Bunim-Murray Productions because everyone is victim to this illusion of a glamorous and fun life of the Real Worlder. It looks fun, exciting, dramatic, and people out there know who you are and give a shit whether it be to like you or hate you.

Okay, though I described this Real World as an illusion of happiness, this is not to put down the program. I think it’s an interesting and entertaining show that has indeed served some good in the world whether that be through learning about true life issues such as Pedro taught us, or through having someone to enjoy openly hating and to bitch about who you can depend on to suck and be lame every Tuesday night at 10pm.

Another answer, this one much simpler, to the question “why” would be that this is just an amazing and rare opportunity, and it would be stupid of anyone to turn down an opportunity that is presented to them. I agree with this to some degree, but not completely, or at least not completely anymore. Just because a rare opportunity is presented to me, does that actually mean I should take it? If someone told me that I could be the Queen of England, definitely a rare and unique opportunity, would it be dumb of me to turn it down? NO. Why the fuck would I want to be the queen of England? Nothing against the queen or England, I just don’t want to do that. I don’t even really like tea. <kidding> So there goes the “opportunity” theory. The Real World is simply not for everyone.

Whatever, my original point was that we, being myself and the 35,000 others, all thought it would be cool to live in the phat pad and be on TV. That’s why we auditioned. If the press were to rephrase the question with, “Why the hell would you ever want to sacrifice your privacy, your image, and your self-security to the general public who is free to criticize, judge, and persecute you at will? Why the fuck would you agree to taking all that’s personal and meaningful to you and give it to the rest of the world making you totally vulnerable and merciless to your enemies? Why did you think it was a good idea to change your life by giving up all your secrets to people who do not love you and do not mind hurting you?” I really wish someone had asked me this while I was standing in line at the open call, because honestly, I don’t know if I would have walked into that bar and handed in my info sheet. I am not exactly saying that I regret doing the show as of YET only because I have made friends that I truly love and will keep forever, and gaining those friends could only be a blessing. My roommates were so unlike anyone I’ve ever known, and I can guarantee that I would never have met anyone like them had I not lived in that house with them. I am forever a better person because of them, so I would never take back being on the show.

Unfortunately, I do regret what is about to happen to me. I’ve seen those websites where kids have posted their hatred for me already without having even seen me yet. I know that this lifestyle is something that no one could honestly want unless they were so desperate for attention that even negative attention would do. I am terrified of the harsh criticism already building like a storm off over the ocean headed right toward me on the shore. I know the people judging me are people who have only witnessed the character that is edited onto tv to make for a few dramatic plotlines. I know that none of these people actually know me because to know a person, you must know all their sides and colors. Pieces don’t make any sense without the whole. I also know that people do not want to know that Real Worlders are whole and complete people. Let’s face it, it is fun to just hate them, love them, want them, despise them without worrying about their reactions to your feelings toward them. Most people don’t actually care about them as people, but they love to be entertained by characters.

So, in knowing this, why is it that I am still scared about the criticism? When I know my friends and family love me and I love them, why is the opinion of strangers worthy at all of reaction on my part? How could I possibly let a website poster hurt me? Well, I have decided on an answer or two for this one: I don’t know. I really just don’t. I am insecure like anyone else. My roommates do seem a lot stronger than me. They don’t seem to worry about the rest of the world. They seem to not care, or to think it’s really funny if people hate them from tv. “How can you be insulted” they ask, “when they don’t really know you?” I don’t know. It’s the same reason why you feel a sting of anger or frustration when someone honks at you when you’re driving. Negativity thrown in your face sometimes stings even if it’s from someone who shouldn’t even matter. Maybe I’m just weak. Maybe I just care too much what people think of me. Again, maybe doing the show was not for someone of my personality type. Maybe certain people could grow from it, but maybe others could only get hurt and lose whatever security they were fortunate enough to have BEFORE the show aired. But there isn’t much I can do about it now, so I’m just gonna have to learn to deal no matter how difficult that will be at times.

Am I writing this not because I want pity, because I want people to start looking at us as people and stop being so judgmental. Nope. That’s dumb. That would defeat the whole purpose of the show. It would not be entertaining if we had to actually worry about the feelings of the Real Worlders. I’m writing this because this is now the world I see, and this is the perspective I have gained. If I actually wanted any good to come of this entry outside of personal catharsis, then I would hope someone would think a little more about auditioning. It’s real easy to forget what you’re getting into.