So, I did something very, very bad. As in, this is a personal failure of mine to have done this: I went to other websites and read message boards. It's an extremely self-absorbed, self-loathing move considering I make myself so vulnerable to criticism, and I'm completely aware that I'm considered a relatively annoying person to move posters, or maybe just readers of the web. Good thing there aren't that many people on the webnot. So, why did I do it? I was just feeling pissed at myself, and you know when you feel like wallowing? Well, when there are at least two or maybe two thousand places you can go to REALLY help out with that wallowing, you sort of go and read what they have to say. I read them the way I watch horror movies - squinting like I'll be able to shut my eyes faster if I see something I don't like, or in this case, that makes my face red with a bit of humiliation. I know the lesson, and I've learned it the hard way over and over again, but I just felt like reading people's opinions. I felt like maybe their insults would help me or something unbelievably stupid like that. It wasn't the worst move I ever made. I definitely laughed out loud to some comments, definitely took a few in.

A few people pointed out that I'm so self-loathing and self-absorbed. Well, it's my webjournal - it's usually about how I'm feeling. I don't spend my day only talking about myself. In fact, I avoid conversations most of the day that may lead to them asking about me. It's so strange. I HATE talking about myself. I absolutely despise it. Whenever anyone asked me about me, I would get all mad and change the subject as quickly as possible. This has become the only place I really go into how I feel about things. I like to talk about other people, their lives, what they're doing. I like to forget about me. This is where I just self-indulge to keep myself aware of what's going on underneath.

As far as the self-loathing comments and my "pity-parties," I was glad I read it. It's true. I sort of get into this rut and stay there. At the same time, I've watched so many recently graduated people go absolutely crazy at this point in their lives. I feel entitled, but at the same time, how far is too far? When does it become too much? Too ridiculous? How do you feel better though?

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, that's for fucking sure. I don't like it. I don't like people who are always pissy and annoyed. They're no fun to hang around. I don't think I walk around being pissed at myself and taking it out on people, but I don't think it's very healthy saving all that pissiness for myself when I get home and sit in front of my unbelievably gorgeous computer (had to throw that in).

Someone wondered if I got through Owen Meany yet. Not yet. I got really far on the plane, and though I'm halfway through it, I still don't see why this merits the title "favorite" amongst my loved ones. I definitely feel more of an attachment to the main characters (probably because I now know every goddamn thing about the town, EVERYONE who's ever lived in it, what ever blade of grass looks like, what every religion practices, and exactly how the granite truck sounds every time it pulls in and out of any driveway), but not much has actually happened. I'm not looking for an adventure book, but come the fuck on. I'm bored with my own life, I don't need to be bored with Owen's.

Maybe I should just read more. Maybe I should just read all the time and talk about that. I like talking about my superficial stuff. I like commenting on commercials, my bizarre obsession with J.Lo that is completely based off my jealousy for her glamorous life, and Golden Girls reruns. I'm easily intimidated by posters and their comments. I'm also fascinated and would love to join in on the fun, but I feel like I'm riding solo here. I think people enjoy hating me, and I think it is my fault - one, for putting myself in the position in the first place to be judged when I cannot handle negative opinions; two, for looking for those negative comments when I could ignore them and not concern myself with opinions of people I do not know or care about.

It's just that when you feel...uncomfortable with yourself and your place, you look for enlightenment. I look in very wrong places, but there's something to be said about the objectivity of strangers online. My family and friends are obviously biased. However, part of me wishes I kept myself in a lifestyle where I would be surrounded by such subjectivity, and just never have to know that others felt negatively about me. I feel sensitive - and though it sounds like such a goddamn cop out to blame it on childhood experiences, it's hard not to be reminded of them when adulthood becomes eerily similar. I got OUT of the those situations where I was surrounded by shit-talking bitches. Now, I not only put myself back in that place, but it's like I purposely go and sit down at the lunch table of people who are casually discussing their personal distaste for everything that I am. That's ridiculous. And what the hell do we tell little kids who feel like the uncool kid in school? We say to ignore them, that they're not your real friends anyway, blah, blah, blah. That doesn't make them feel better. It doesn't make me feel better when you tell me not to care what other people think.

Someone said something about how being a RW is like suffering a huge tragedy that only other RWs can understand. Huge tragedy? No. A unique experience that only other people who have had that unique experience can understand? Yes. Being a hyper-sensitive individual who cares way too much what strangers think of her and puts herself in a position where millions decidedly hate you for grasping 15 minutes of fame as a personal sellout, who then goes on to complain about the experience as if I was pulled from my sleep and forced at gunpoint to join the BMP family rather than having waited in line and gone through three months of interviews in hopes of being one of these nationally ridiculed assholes - I mean, you feel like a serious shit about that, and it's nice to have other people who feel just as retarted for making the same mistake. I rip apart every damn person on my TV screen after I posted entry after entry about not prejudging reality characters without knowing them. I'm admittedly a walking hypocrite, AND I continue to be so even AFTER I've realized this fault.

So, why am I here? If I hate the public eye and all that comes with it, why do I have a website where I post my thoughts, my raw opinions without editting or even spelling checking at times, when I want people to leave me alone, to STOP talking about me, stop caring about me, to completely forget about me so that I can go back to only knowing how my best friends feel about me, and I can disappear into the vaults with Lars from London and Sarah from Miami? Why do I keep myself current, why do I update? Why do I allow myself to continually be judged, but THIS time for my ACTUAL thoughts and actions rather than words and events that I can easily blame on editing and storylines?

I don't know. I'm sitting here trying to come up with reasons either noble or superficial, and I can't come up with much. I don't sell anything here, I don't even actively communicate with anyone who reads this that I don't already know. There is absolutely no point on having this site anymore, so why do I post on it religiously? Why do I want my family to read it? Why do I get so excited to have completed a large thought? Why did I work so diligently to get this all together? What the fuck do I get out of it?? Oh God, I'm not even sure.

Probably because as much as I hate attention, I still need it, like I always have. Maybe because I don't think I'm as good a writer as my sister, so this is my own way of feeling "published." Maybe because I like myself and my opinions, and I like the feeling of people agreeing with me, or even disagreeing. I like to hope that I can facilitate a discussion of some sort. Maybe because this feels like performing and that I'm entertaining like I used to. Even people who hate me and hate EVERYTHING I have to say still come here and read it, and I feel like I manage to give them some sort of emotion. Maybe because of my unhealthy desire to actually make everyone like me when that couldn't be possible no matter what. Maybe it is just for me. Maybe I like having a project, a motivation to write everyday. I don't know why this place is so important to me, or why I whore out so many opinions and emotions to people who don't deserve it, who use it against me. I don't know why it feels like sharing rather than whoring, even though that sounds so horribly cheesy.

The fact is, people don't like people who not only have obvious weaknesses, but display them. People are attracted to confidence and power. A lot of really popular people I know are scared little boys or girls who have such an alluring facade that people all around them worship them and defend them to the death. I don't hide what I like or what I hate about myself, and I tell you straight up that I care about what you think, and if you ever did insult me to my face, I would get upset about it, very upset. No one likes someone who reminds them of ANYTHING negative they may have in themselves, and I think I tend to do that. Thing is, I absolutely cannot be any other way than this. If I'm hateable, if I'm ranked on Annoying Lists, if I'm ridiculed for having a Yoga video that capitalizes on an ancient, respected tradition turned into an MTV fad - then that's it. I'll hate it, remind myself people feel that way about me, maybe even agree with them on particularly bad days, and...that'll be it. There's no fixing it. And though that should make me feel pretty bad, I feel better.

I think I could and should fix some things about me. I think I SHOULD stop complaining so much and I should FIX my problems rather than whining about them. I think I should read more. I think I should have minimal pity-parties (everyone deserves to have a few), and I should remain positive and productive. But I have to tell you something. Cheery, happy, optimistic-types? They piss me off. I can't be one of those people. I don't even like those people. A whiny, negative bitch? See, that's not that good either. I can't fix being defensive. Someone said that I was blaming my boss for my own incompetence the day Rob refused to teach me my responsibilities and then yelled at me for not knowing - okay, that's just plain dumb. It's ridiculous. I didn't know what the fuck to do and I came in several times without being paid to learn so I could be responsible, and the guy who was supposed to train me didn't train me. I'm right on that, and though defensiveness is again stupid for me to be against a random poster on televisionwithoutpity, I can't help it. I'm right, and that poster is just bitching about me for the sake of bitching....ahh, the irony. There's no winning them all, and though I know this, I don't think it'll ever sink in. I really don't. I mean, when I first started this site, I wrote depressing shit all the time. I got emails from people who were concerned that I was suicidal, and other people telling me I was too deep and depressing to read. So, I wrote an entry about stupid shit, and I received all these complaints that I was superficial and childish for writing about such meaningless crap. I laughed when I read it, but I was disappointed. I still believed I could win them all. I still do, and I know I'm going to die early from trying.

I don't want to end this with some cheesy life lesson like I usually do, which I usually enjoy doing. I was never good at wrapping this up, and I'm too tired to try now. I'm headed to bed. I don't know what I accomplished today, and I know I have more to say about this later. I need to look back on this entry for myself, so I'm going to post it as a Random as well. Hopefully, I won't know what anyone thinks of this entry. I'm damn curious though.