I'm having a hard time getting into this book, which is claimed to be an absolute favorite by two sisters, one mother, and a best friend. Starting new books has always been so difficult for me. It takes me forever to read them no matter what. Even if it's riveting and an easy read, I'll end up putting it down for a month before finishing it. These stories, these characters are developing relationships to me, and not all relationships just pick up after page one. Nothing is quite drawing me in yet. I have no more curiosity for Owen Meany's life as I do for the guy crossing the street, but I am assured I will love it more than anything, so I'm waiting to fall in love. God, I hate starting a new book.

It was a pleasant day. No, it was more simple than pleasant. I had another brush with depression about my lack of direction. How could I have come 23 years through life and haven't decided what to fucking do with it. My mother was laid off after 9/11, and she says to me, "I'm 55 years old, and I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up." I guess past accomplishments never really relaxes a person. We need to know what's coming up to feel like we're living in the present. I had a very successful academic career. For some reason, that doesn't mean shit now, even though I remember how important I thought each and every paper and test was. Now that they're all over, I feel like I'm a failure. You think I'd be proud, but I'm not. I mean, I am, but I need to know what's coming up. What should I do with myself? Katie says she gets upset sometimes about her "career." I think that there's no way that could be true. She has a job. She has a yearly salary with benefits. It makes me wonder if everyone feels this way about whatever they're doing. We look around and we're all jealous of each other. My friend Meaghan wrote to me that she was jealous of the lifestyle I'm leading right now. I thought it was just as strange as Katie's discomfort. Meaghan moved to a new city, developed a full social life in under two weeks, and is working for a job she dreamed she'd get. How could she be jealous? I explained to her that my life looked more glamorous than it is. I may have all these fun activities I do, but I'm constantly weighed down by guilt that I'm not working towards my future. I have a job now that has me working only twice a week, is relatively unpredictable in pay, and will lead me no where in life. I am not putting money away and saving, I'm just getting buy, and not even on my own completely yet. I don't know. I wonder if we'll ever think our own grass is the greenest. I think my sister Kim does. That girl fucking loves her life. I think that's great. I don't hate my life at all, but I wish I were working on something I could be really proud of. I wish I were…secure.

There was a quote in this book where the narrator describes her mother has truly happy. He wrote that a "truly happy woman drives some men and almost every other woman absolutely crazy." It's very true. We cannot decide if we love or hate someone who is happy. We are drawn to them, and some of us resent them, some just cling to them. I never know where I stand on that. I feel horrible admitting the calm satisfaction of knowing that other people are struggling as much as I do sometimes. Most RWs fear that one of us will eventually succeed because it will only remind us that we actually could have but didn't. We sometimes use RW as an excuse, but it isn't really. Sure, it can help and hurt in the industry, but it comes down to a few things that if you play your cards right, you'll bust out. You need to actually have talent, and you need to have drive. There are superficial details that matter as well, but I mean, you have to have your entire heart into making something happen, and though it still may not because life is a bitch, there's a great chance that it just may. If you actually know you really want something, you first need to recognize how amazing that is because there are a lot of us out there who are fighting to discover just that - what it is that we even want. If you want something, fucking dive in head first and don't look back. Do everything you can to get it. Drive like that pays off. I believe that. All comes back to the Alchemist, doesn't it? That crystal merchant and then the question about Personal Legends. I wish I knew what mine was.

I'm going to chat on the phone and then go back to reading.